Killing My Lobster

The ever so popular San Francisco Sketch Comedy troupe has provided me many opportunities to flex my writing muscle, and have had some of my writing in about 8 (I think) of their sketch shows.

Here's one of my favorite pieces, which I performed in the James Bewley directed "Killing My Lobster Tango D'ell Amore." And, of course, all rights are reserved and the material is © by Peter Nachtrieb.

(A couple, SANDRA and JULIUS, obnoxiously in love, beaming, in wedding garb, perhaps they banter a bit about how in love they are.

TREVOR, a priest, stares at them, smiling broadly)

Shall we begin?

(They NOD eagerly)

Welcome everyone. I'm so glad you made it through the traffic.

It's just incredible to be here, with you all, in this stunning solarium/petting zoo, on this sunny day, for this amazing purpose of bringing together in marriage, Sandra and Julius, my 2 best friends in the whole wide world.

(polite applause from the crowd)

I must say first how honored I am to have been chosen to marry you two, and how extremely...extremely extremely extremely happy I am to be here, in between you two, not getting married, bringing you as one while I remain a priest.

(polite applause)

Julius has been my best friend ever since our early schoolboy days where we would run and skip and play Doctor on long afternoons. Such good tender times, Julius. And Sandra...well Sandra and I used to date in college. 6 months. 6 incredible months I'll never forget.

It was at the end of that time of bliss, that Julius and Sandra met. They met on a weekend at my parent's Nantucket Beach for my annual "best friend and girlfriend retreat." They met on the beach, on the couch, on the kitchen floor, and on many family heirlooms that are permanently stained with their budding love. Love that grows to the marriage we will witness to day, and it's also the main reason I am now a celibate alocoholic child molesting priest.

Isn't that hilarious? I think that's so funny and amazing how love can be made. How great love is. Wow! It's just amazing this beautiful thing called love and the whole fucked up shit world we all live in.

Sandra is a whore. And Julius is a whore's husband to be. Whose lives will you ruin next together? Who's next to fall down the mountain of unending pain as you guys walk on your hiking trail to bliss?

(He Kisses SANDRA on the lips, and then JULIUS. They protest.)

Their lips are cold, people! Cold as the lips on death corpses. Death! Death! My only salvation.

(He pulls out a stake and stabs himself)

Oh! Oh Cocoa! Cocoa my favorite loyal terrier of yesterday. I'm going to be with you soon, buddy. Real soon. And now, I die.

(HE slumps over)

Well, I guess it's time for the rehearsal dinner.
  • Killing My Lobster Owes You Money, Exit Theatre 1997
  • Killing My Lobster Packs a Lunch, Venue 9, Seattle Fringe Fest 1998
  • Killing My Lobster Gets Some Action, 1998 SF Fringe Fest, The Complex Los Angeles, Cable Car Theatre San Francisco
  • Killing My Lobster Throws a Hissy, Venue 9, 1999
  • Killing My Lobster Pants on Fire, Venue 9, 2000
  • Killing My Lobster Hot August Nights, Victoria Theatre, 2000
  • Killing My Lobster Tango Dell'Amore, ODC Theatre 2002
  • Killing My Lobster Circus of Failure, A Traveling Jewish Theatre 2002

back to plays
send peter nachtrieb and email


i write


all content © Peter Nachtrieb